What I Miss (Part 1)

This is part of a series that tries to answer the question: “

What would I do differently as a parish pastor if I went back?”

(See Introduction for some more background.) After 30 years in ministry and now 3 years in secular ministry, I think this is as good a time as any to begin thinking about that. Here then is part 1.

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The best place for me to start is with the essential question: “What do I miss about doing ministry in the church?” My immediate first response had three things:

• Serving Communion
• Doing Baptisms
• Community.

Those are the basics.

Yet I wonder, even as I write that, if the first two are in reality power trips. That is an odd thought that had never come to mind before. Think about it, though. How much power does one feel when he or she is doing something that is done only by people like you- and you do it for God.

It is also potentially selfish. It has always been such a joy to say the awesome words of both sacraments. Take the bread and the cup and then serve others. It is a remarkable feeling. Am I just missing the feeling and the power? When I do those events there are a number of role-feelings that I can have.

Mediator? i.e. priest-like. Yes, I can say there is some of that even in the Protestant tradition.

Holy One? I mean that in the sense of the keeper and sharer of the sacred story. Yes, certainly there is some of that.

Servant? In the tradition I come from this one is the most certain of the role-feelings. We stand when we received Holy Communion from the clergy who comes into the pews and serves each individual at an equal level. To be able to stand, look the person in the eye and then to share, for a moment, the mystery we are both partaking of. That’s not magic- it is a faith-filled mystery that I do miss more than any other part of it.

It is the same with Baptism. I would take the water and place it on the baby’s forehead and then remind all of us who are baptized that we live- yet it is not us, but Christ who is living in us. Another mystery of depth and holy awe.

Sacraments: the outward and visible signs of the Grace of God that can work within us. To be allowed to share that mystical, spiritual intimacy is incredibly humbling. It is not, then, a sense of power. It is in itself and “anti-“power- a moment of humility in a not so humble world.

Of course many clergy are put on a pedestal that can feed their ego and give them a sense of controlling power. I do not miss that. (I’ll probably have more to say about this in the section on what I don’t miss.) I love being just me. Whatever “holy” vibes I may be able to give to others has to come from somewhere else and not given because I have a title. I try to be real and to be me as God has given it all to me.

Originally that’s where the servants and “holy ones” came from. They were called out not because they saw something in themselves that was special, but because the community did. That’s how they often got to be tribal elders or medicine men or the holy ones. They stood out, not by calling attention to themselves, but by living their lives as they were meant to live them and the community noticed. The mystery of the spiritual became more visible when they were around.

Of course, just because someone has a “title” or a “position” does not mean that they are automatically able to live and share that mystery. Some definitely grow into it. Others never do and the results can be damaging to many around them. In fact, I have a hunch that the crisis of many a church leader has been to some extent caused by this disconnect or a misuse of the spiritual pulled apart by the original sinfulness of we poor, powerless, human beings.

I guess, then, what I miss is those moments and times when I am reminded of the work of the community through the sacraments and the work of God in the community. I miss being the one who can help bring that to life. I miss the joy of being a vessel of that to occur.

Maybe, after all, that is selfish or even part of a power trip. I hope I did it well, though. I hope I was able to open a door to the holy through my actions. But I do miss doing it- and love it when I am there to participate in the pews.

Next time: More of what I miss about being a parish pastor- funerals and an introduction to community.