What I Miss (Part 1)

This is part of a series that tries to answer the question: “

What would I do differently as a parish pastor if I went back?”

(See Introduction for some more background.) After 30 years in ministry and now 3 years in secular ministry, I think this is as good a time as any to begin thinking about that. Here then is part 1.

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The best place for me to start is with the essential question: “What do I miss about doing ministry in the church?” My immediate first response had three things:

• Serving Communion
• Doing Baptisms
• Community.

Those are the basics.

Yet I wonder, even as I write that, if the first two are in reality power trips. That is an odd thought that had never come to mind before. Think about it, though. How much power does one feel when he or she is doing something that is done only by people like you- and you do it for God.

It is also potentially selfish. It has always been such a joy to say the awesome words of both sacraments. Take the bread and the cup and then serve others. It is a remarkable feeling. Am I just missing the feeling and the power? When I do those events there are a number of role-feelings that I can have.

Mediator? i.e. priest-like. Yes, I can say there is some of that even in the Protestant tradition.

Holy One? I mean that in the sense of the keeper and sharer of the sacred story. Yes, certainly there is some of that.

Servant? In the tradition I come from this one is the most certain of the role-feelings. We stand when we received Holy Communion from the clergy who comes into the pews and serves each individual at an equal level. To be able to stand, look the person in the eye and then to share, for a moment, the mystery we are both partaking of. That’s not magic- it is a faith-filled mystery that I do miss more than any other part of it.

It is the same with Baptism. I would take the water and place it on the baby’s forehead and then remind all of us who are baptized that we live- yet it is not us, but Christ who is living in us. Another mystery of depth and holy awe.

Sacraments: the outward and visible signs of the Grace of God that can work within us. To be allowed to share that mystical, spiritual intimacy is incredibly humbling. It is not, then, a sense of power. It is in itself and “anti-“power- a moment of humility in a not so humble world.

Of course many clergy are put on a pedestal that can feed their ego and give them a sense of controlling power. I do not miss that. (I’ll probably have more to say about this in the section on what I don’t miss.) I love being just me. Whatever “holy” vibes I may be able to give to others has to come from somewhere else and not given because I have a title. I try to be real and to be me as God has given it all to me.

Originally that’s where the servants and “holy ones” came from. They were called out not because they saw something in themselves that was special, but because the community did. That’s how they often got to be tribal elders or medicine men or the holy ones. They stood out, not by calling attention to themselves, but by living their lives as they were meant to live them and the community noticed. The mystery of the spiritual became more visible when they were around.

Of course, just because someone has a “title” or a “position” does not mean that they are automatically able to live and share that mystery. Some definitely grow into it. Others never do and the results can be damaging to many around them. In fact, I have a hunch that the crisis of many a church leader has been to some extent caused by this disconnect or a misuse of the spiritual pulled apart by the original sinfulness of we poor, powerless, human beings.

I guess, then, what I miss is those moments and times when I am reminded of the work of the community through the sacraments and the work of God in the community. I miss being the one who can help bring that to life. I miss the joy of being a vessel of that to occur.

Maybe, after all, that is selfish or even part of a power trip. I hope I did it well, though. I hope I was able to open a door to the holy through my actions. But I do miss doing it- and love it when I am there to participate in the pews.

Next time: More of what I miss about being a parish pastor- funerals and an introduction to community.

If I Went Back (Introduction)

What would I do differently today if I were to go back into parish ministry? For no particular reason I asked myself that question the other week.

Three years ago I went on a leave of absence after 30 years in parish ministry. I have the good fortune of being a licensed alcohol and drug counselor and a licensed professional counselor which gives me some freedom to go out and earn my living in what I have come to decide is secular ministry. In other words, three years ago I finally listened to God’s call to do ministry outside the church where few pastors are able to go.

In these three years I have spent a great many hours thinking, praying, reading, and writing in my journal (and here on the blog) about the church. I have sat in church wondering what it is all about from this side of the pulpit. I have had a few opportunities to preach or lead communion and I asked myself as many questions as I could. I keep asking myself the question, “Why do I still care?” What is it about “church” that keeps me confounded and “interested?”

Friends have asked me “So, what have you learned about the church in this time?” But no one has asked me what I would do differently now if I went back into the parish. I have no idea whether that’s because they don’t expect me to go back or whether they just assume that if I did I would do the same things I always did.

Or, since I have always been the pioneer, early adopter, never-satisfied-with-the-status quo- radical-type, maybe they haven’t wanted to hear what I have to say.

Since being on leave of absence means that while I am not “officially” on the “call list,” I am open for call if one comes. Perhaps that's why the question did finally come to me a couple weeks ago. It was kind of out of the blue. I am not holding a call and I have no idea whether I will ever get one. But it is an interesting activity.

What would I do?

What I have learned?

What don't I miss?

What do I miss?

Over the next few weeks I am going to try to answers those questions here in this postmodern Pilgrim’s space, perhaps in a once a week post. I will take them in reverse order since that is the way I experienced them. I don’t know entirely what I will find as I put these thoughts on the virtual page. I have no bottom line.

Yet. Perhaps there isn’t one. Perhaps in the end it isn’t my decision anyway. I believe in the ability of God to call us to where we are supposed to be. I know I am where God wants me at this moment. Perhaps at this time in my life and the life of the Moravian Church, my ministry and insights are more useful in secular ministry. We'll see where God leads me in this.

More next week.

I ask that you pray for insight for me as I work on this. Pray simply that, in the words of the Eleventh Step of AA that I may find an improved “conscious contact with God, [as I pray simply] only for knowledge of his will… and the power to carry it out.”